This is my third pregnancy in less than a year, and
hopefully this one will have better results than the last two. I never thought that I would be dealing with
multiple miscarriages, one of those unfortunate things that happen to other people.
I quit smoking two years ago, eat a lot of organic food, do yoga, and almost
never get sick. But here I am on #3 and trying so desperately not to think
about what could happen again so easily with no explanation.
In a lot of ways I feel very alone at six weeks pregnant.
Only my husband, yoga instructor and one close friend know that I am expecting,
and keeping something secret that is so incredibly distracting and
all-consuming is difficult to say the least. I’m trying hard not to tell a lot
of people after what happened the last two times. Being forced to share a loss
with people you aren’t close with feels way too raw.
This time I am enjoying my pregnancy symptoms as a hopeful
sign that this baby is healthy and growing strong, as unpleasant as they are. I’ve
had nausea this time around, and not at all during the previous pregnancies.
Every morning I wake up and make sure my breasts are still sore, as this is one
of the symptoms that disappeared in the days leading up to my two previous
miscarriages.
Much like meditation, when I start to fantasize or plan my
maternity leave I have to try and stop myself, for becoming too emotionally
invested at this stage of the game is a bad idea, as I know from previous
experience. Time is passing incredibly slowly
right now. How can I still have six more weeks until I’m in the clear to tell
people? It seems like an eternity is purgatory, where I must endure physical
exhaustion and nausea, food cravings and aversions, headaches and backaches,
but I can’t enjoy being surrounded my support and comfort from my friends and
family.
Which brings me to the sleepwalking. Last night I woke up on
the toilet in our guest bathroom. I think the only reason I woke up is that I
turned on the light in my sleep. But I have no idea why I was dreaming I was lost
and physically wandering into the other bedrooms in my house. I’ll take this as
a sign that I need to just relax and trust that somehow I’m in good hands and
everything will be alright.
I have to remind myself that millions of women have gone
through this all before and I hope that this time, I will cross that 12 week
boundary with no incident. Next Monday
is my first ultrasound.
